Father-...

Your days weigh more than the family around your neck. 

Nine months and nine pounds without your voice or hand, 
my mother called, and you said: “Give Him My Name, Noel.” 
And she abided, faithfully, by the promises made
that warm May night. But years proved these words, 
like so many other parts of you,
were broken, and so I am yours
in name only. 

 

I haven't your dark eyes, fair skin or welcome wiles. 
That cooing air of arrogance
in your smile, or the graceful way your beard
rises and settles into a dignified chin. 
Your daughters are your spitting image, 
shorter and effeminate, but telling tales
of their ancestry by the nines
of their soft and thoughtfully thin
eyes, a wild nose above cupid bow lips. 

 

I am not like them; 
every camera and mirror whispers, 
how my genes have aborted you.


 
And yet strangers say the strangest things- 
like that I am most your son when I look most annoyed.  
Something in the nothing of demeanor
makes me summon your image to men and women
that have known you. The passive opening and closing of a fist. 
In a folded leg, an unconsciously tapping foot, 
staring into the distance with a cigarette dangling from my lip. 
All of these acts I thought my self are borrowed, 
are not my own, are ghostly references to a man
this man
who grew up growing you
says are bestowed; 
are reflections of the seed
being strong. 

 

But...how? 

 

My first razor was from the deli man, 
his eyes lost when I asked him how to do it, 
until he could understand that I was young and
that I needed. My first day of school was Johanna
ironing clothes, running me over with a lint brush, 
combing my hair and reminding me
no girl likes a boy who sucks his thumbs. 
Sex came from a box, a secret, a word of mouth
passed along the boys and bus rides. 
Shared and studied in the dim blue tint of monitors
and television screens when nobody could see us
in our vile innocence. YouTube learned me
with tutorials, my first suit from my first check
a baggy thing. Green shirt, black tie, but
from your few visits I'd already known
how to make a knot
having been left in one. 

 

Yet I am most your son when I look most annoyed.  
The passive opening and closing of a fist. A folded leg. 
An unconsciously tapping foot. Staring into the distance
with a cigarette dangling from my lip. 

 

And I wonder, can character carry in a vein? 
Have I shed and denied your look but not your scowl? 
Am I as doomed as you are, to the rum on my breath
and vagabonding with the boys on Tuesday night's
rather than with my family home? Father, 
our days are numbered like the calendar
and when I'm fugitive to a feeling; 
waxing gibbons and poetics at the moon, 
I'm tempted to think my temperament is nothing
more than an heirloom. Is a remnant of you
in the recesses of my blood, 
and I'm tempted to take a razor and gut you out. 

 

But there is no salvation in suffering your self; 
it's best to leave that to the masochist. 

 

Instead I'll wear your name proudly, 
but like a cautionary tale. 
Instead I'll learn to love
better than how you've taught me.

 

Well.

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