Ah! Perche Non Posso Odiarti

“Cover for me.” Elis’ voice chirped over the phone. “I have to use the bathroom.”


Once again Elis and I are wondrously out of love, wounding each other at every opportunity. The playground antics of pretending you don’t care neither of us truly outgrew. A strange return to business as usual, considering where the plot’s been. Elis left my bed and feelings unceremoniously last Spring, when Johnny strolled back into town, with an all lowercase ‘hey hows it been’ text and greasy little emo hair. Turns out, the one who got away finally got away from his girlfriend, was thinking about Elis, and wanted to see her next week or whenever she was available. She loved him longer than she knew what love meant, so the prospect meant an end to whatever else was going. Especially anything that wasn’t that serious anyway.


That meant me.


“Sure, but I’m filling out a crossword. Help me finish it. Six letter word, starts with a p, rhymes with fleas.”


It was nothing personal, so naturally, I took it personally. I wished her luck, and quite sincerely, picked up my pride like clothes thrown around a bedroom floor, hit the bricks and let the door slam behind me. For a long time I wanted nothing to do with her. Distance makes the heart grow the fuck up, and it was necessary for me to put my vanity aside and come to terms with her pursuit of happiness. All was well, but come Fall I saw a sharp decline in her demeanor. In the way dark shadows narrowed under her character and corneas, and the occasional moments where I’d caught her smiling goofishly at her cell phone came to a sudden and abrupt stop. I’d never get the confirmation she learned he was the dirtbag her friends and I had warned about, but deep down, I knew.


“Hm…I think it might be-”




Recovery is a funny thing, a concept that’s real but hard to hold like air. “I’m sorry,” has never cut it for me. It’s enough, but somewhat insufficient in that it begs your pardon but fails in lessening the grip of resentment for offenses that have been made. And when apologies come crawling I’d like to say that I’ve let it go, but my forgiveness only comes when I’ve forgotten someone as opposed to what they’ve done to me.


“Turns out the word was please,” I said, sauntering towards the front desk. “Please,” I repeated, pretending to seem thoughtful.


I’d forgot Elis, and deeply wished she could forget me. That we could be friends again and I might shade her black humor with deep red blush and tears of laughter like I used to.


“Thanks,” She said flatly, rising from her desk and dragging herself indifferently to the restroom.


There was no use. Whatever poison Johnny’s voice had left behind I couldn’t cure. He haunted her, his stupid flannel shirts as checkered as her mood.


Seeing I could be no benefit to Elis or our relationship, I sat at the front desk with an innard sigh to wait for her return. Her laptop sat in front of me, open on the last page she’d left open. On purpose or accident, I couldn’t tell, but what I saw was a list of tweets staring back like a stack of unsent love letters. A timeline littered with subconscious references to me, like a meme.



@Elis Jan 26

it has been a greek mythology filled day


That was last Thursday. I complained about the pangs of peeling and she asked the reasons behind my recent tattoo. A story about a man named Sisyphus, rolling his boulder and humanity up a hill in nearby Delphi. ┌ N Ω Θ IΣ A Y T O N creeping from the edges of my short sleeve. It means Know Thyself, I told her, and the reason He is doomed is because the man who fooled the Gods could not recognize His hubris or check His pride.


@Elis Jan27

coworker told me about corgis and omgoodness I cant even


"Your cat's lonely. Get him a friend." She said before lunch.

"But he always fights with other cats."

"How about a dog,"

“Then he’d be scared,”

“How about a small dog,”

"Like a corgi?"

"Corgi? What's that?"


@Elis Jan 25

stop smothering me!!!! Lol


That was a Wednesday when I was nursing a hangover and a mood, sulking through the school doors with fun temper despite the tire. Elis sat at receptionist cool as a firework, all hazy eyes and a Glasgow smile.


"Good morning," Her lips mumbled full of drudge, dull and ringing with the polite sting of routine. I palmed my face and let out a loud, exaggerated, and terrible sigh.


"Can you please stop smothering me?"



Oh, Elis, when will you admit all your days are dull without me? I didn’t mean to make your life a wilderness, but, my dear Elis, I liked you better when you didn’t like me. When what time we had was a trivial impulse and child-like curiosity - innocent in its sin. When you would be my friend and I would share your bed, and there were no demands or expectations of our time and hearts. Now you suffer silently and I'm to be a hangman and a devil, aloof of his rope and pitchfork when confiding my misguided tussling of your hair, as I would a cousin or sister I consider you to be.


Can you not reduce our morning lust and bruises to papercuts and stubbed toes? Is your heart so fickle and unreliable to have left but be polluted with me? Do you take like sand, a soft grain against a foot or skin? Or are you desecrated concrete left to dry that still says “J WUZ HERE.” Maybe we’re terribly in love and didn’t notice it, reaching for each other the only way we know how to.


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Comments (2)

  1. PTF

    I’m sure you have better things to do than write this piece of crap.

    February 03, 2017
    1. lXxEpicxXl

      Pieces of crap are my specialty, so I’ve obviously taken an immediate interest in you. Are you being negative to elicit a response from me? Trolling for trolling’s sake? Or are you just a negative person in general and need an outlet?

      February 03, 2017